Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Now

I started this blog in February 2007. I was prompted by an internist - James Risser - who felt I should chronicle my struggles with diabetes in the hopes of teaching others my method of control through diet and exercise.

This morning I sat in my podiatrist’s - Ryan Pfannenstein - office with a new ulcer on my sole. The sores are coming with surprising rapidity. I used to get two a year. Now I’m seeing my podiatrist every six weeks.

Today the conversation from 2004 “the possible,” and the conversation from 2008 “the probable” became the discussion of 2009 “the inevitable.” He took his hand and showed me the extent of my loss. Yes. I’m going to lose at least half of my foot. He pointed out the possible solutions. Now everything is impending. Today I've kept my foot. I've kept my foot for now. That’s not a loss. I’ve never had more than now. I now will live in now. Today I lost the hope of maybe and then.

It’s funny. When I discuss God, people deem me idealistic. When I discuss my health, they deem me pessimistic. No. Today I’ve faced my realistic. I’ll still fight. I’m losing a battle. I haven’t lost my balls. I won’t smoke. I’ll watch my blood sugars. I’ll remain thin. I’ll still try. I owe all that to my podiatrist. He fought beside me. No. That’s not true. He stood in front of me.

But, I’m not chronicling my battle with diabetes anymore.

Today I’ve learned I lost.

Now I’m just waiting to be defeated.

Now I have to learn to live without hope.