Monday, July 19, 2010

Going There Any Way

Mark's phone trilled; he recognized the ringtone. He brought it to his ear.

"Slut!"

"What?"

"I can't believe you went there!" Jack laughed.

"And you know this how?" He picked up his coffee cup and took a sip.

"Marky, you're a slut."

"I can't talk right now. Let me call you back."

"Why? You're at Starbucks. Why can't you talk to me?"

"Oh," Mark laughed and raised his pitch, "let me call you back!"

"Whatdoyagottado?" Jack slurred his sentence into one polysyllabic word.

"I'm deleting Google Latitude you stalking fuck."

"Speaking of fucks, I can't believe you went back there! You are such a slut!" Jack laughed.

"I'm an unmarried, middle-aged man. If I want to finger fuck the armless tattoo lady at Circus World in the backseat of a clown car, that's my business."

"You're sick!" Jack laughed.

"And you're just jealous because you can't get laid." Mark laughed.

"Marky, that's not nice. Don't talk about my wife."

"Who's talking about her? I'm talking about you, limpdick."

"You're hurting my feelings." Jack deadpanned.

"I'm sorry, bro. I'm just teasing you." He felt a ping of remorse.

"Jesus, you're a tool!" Jack laughed. "How come you went back there?"

"I was lonely. I wanted to hear someone talk soft."

"You should have called me."

"Bro, no offense. It's not the same thing."

"True. Well don't feel bad. We all fuck up."

"Fuck up? Who said I fucked up? Does Google Latitude tell you what position I fucked her in?"

They laughed.

"Sends video too. God you're sick!"

"No. I'm cruel. There's no future there."

"Ellen knows that."

"No woman believes that."

"True."

"You want to know what she said? She said, 'Are we just sex?'"

"Okay. What did you say?"

"I told her the truth. I told her yes."

"Oh Christ! Why did you do that?"

"What should I have said?"

"Well Marky! You could have spun it better than that!"

"Spin, lie. It's all bullshit."

"No. You could have said that you care about her too much to allow yourself to get too close yet. You don't want to hurt her."

Mark chuckled until he coughed. "Jesus wept! No wonder you never got laid! Women think you're stupid!"

"And which one of us is married?"

"True enough. You win."

"Well, don't beat yourself up about it."

"I won't. What are you doing?"

"I'm sitting in a conference room waiting for a meeting to start."

"You talk like this at work?"

"Hell yes. I have you on speakerphone. Six of the women agreed with me!" Jack laughed.

"You dick! Beer me."

"Can't. Bball practice."

Their goodbye was implied.