Thursday, December 30, 2010

Behind Bars: Buddies, Beers, Bullshit, & Wives

"She doesn't like you."

He looked up from his burger. "Whaa?"

"She thinks you're a bad influence."

A smile broke through his bite; he laughed. He put down his burger and picked up his beer. "Christ! Are you serious?"


"Jesus! Is she worried I'll force you to skip math class and smoke cigarettes behind the gym?" He smothered his snicker with a sip.

"It's not funny, Mark. We had a fight about it."

"You're dead serious!" He picked up a napkin and wiped his hands.

"She don't like you!"

"Oh my God! That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard! She thinks I'm a bad influence?"


"And I'm a bad influence because ..."

"You hang out in bars."

He picked up his burger and took a bite. "I suppose I could meet you at the malt shop."

"It's not funny."

He swallowed a bite. "Yeah it is. It's so fucking ridiculous I can't believe it."

"Well, that's what she thinks."

"So she thinks I drink too much?"

"I don't know. She didn't say."

"Well for fuck's sake could you be a little forthcoming? What did she say?"

"She thinks you've got too many girls around you."

He burst out laughing. "Bro if I had all these women, would I be sitting here at The Tap with you? I'd be too busy. All my time would be spent trying to wipe the smile off my face!"

"Fuck you."

"Look. First I don't have that many women around me ..."

He interrupted, "You're a pussy pig."

"Jesus, we are in third grade!" He shook his head. "No. No. I'm not. Secondly, did you explain to her that I'm your fucking conscience? I'm the one who keeps you on track. Did you tell her that?"

"I'm not telling her that."

"Okay. So I sit here and remind you of the rules you've gotta keep and your wife doesn't want you to be around me?"

"She didn't say that."

"Yeah, apparently neither of you said a hell of a lot except that I'm a drunken whore."

"She didn't say you were a drunk."

"Okay look. Jesus. I don't have to justify my life to anyone. Let alone your wife. I mean you seriously get that. Right? I mean make sure you get that part. I'm an adult. And if I wanted to fuck every woman on earth and then toast to my success, I could. Because I'm a fucking adult. And I'm single." He punched the suffix with his tongue and snapped the L with his teeth.

"She just don't want me to sit in bars."

"We're not at a strip club. We're at a neighborhood bar." He sat back and crossed his arms. "You know women get this so wrong. Men who cheat don't go hang out in bars with their buddies. And we both know why. No man is going to let his buddy see if he's got game. And no guy is going to tell his buddy he's fucking around. Yeah, we tell our best friend but we sure as shit don't advertise our fucking at the neighborhood bar!"

"Well she don't like you." He picked up his beer and took a sip.

"Well, whatever dude." He picked up his burger and took a bite. He made room for his words by moving the food to the side of his mouth. "Do whathca gotta do."

"I don't I have to do anything. I'm just saying she don't like you." He picked up his mug and drained it.