Monday, January 17, 2011

She’s A Two Bagger

Mark’s phone trilled; he answered. "What?"

“Fuck you!”

“You know what? I never call you. Do I?”

“You wrote me as a complete bitch!”

Mark picked up his beer and took a pull; he remained silent.

“Well, what do you have to say?”

“Ellen, you are a complete bitch.”

“You provoke me.”

“Sometimes.” He fisted the bottle and traced its mouth with his thumb.

“Aren't you even curious what I thought of your novel?”

“No. Not really.”

“Well, you're going to hear it.”

“I'm not interested in a conversation.”

“Well tell me then, why did you write me like that?”

“Because you are a bitch. You're the most toxic human being I've ever known.”

“You're no better than I am.”

“True. I suck with you. We're poison for each other.”

“It's because you provoke me.”

“No. You make it sound like I'm constantly poking you with a stick. That's not true. We just have contentious personalities. We suck together.”

“We have great sex.”

“True. But it's not worth it. You fuck my mind raw.”

“You like that.”

“No. No fucking way. No. I like a woman who fucks my mind. That's true. But you fuck my mind until I can't see. You're the only woman I've ever known who drains my sack and my heart. You suck my soul out of my body. It's like you use my dick as a straw.” He picked up the bottle and gulped.

“Your novel is better than I thought it would be.”

“You know I can write.”

“I thought it would be amatuerish.”

“No one writes on my level.”

“I know that now.”

“Wow. We've just had about 5 sentences that weren't cruel.”

“Shut up. I can have conversations. I'm not always a cunt.”

“I've never seen any other side of you.”

“You were always on your knees. That's why you have that perspective.”

“Look. We were at the lowest point in my life. I wasn't proud of who I was and what I was doing. You exploit that.”

“You talk like a woman.”

“One of us needs to be kind and considerate in this relationship. If I hadn't been between your legs, I'd wager cash you had a set that hung lower than mine.”

“You provoke me.”

“You said that. We're just repeating ourselves. Ellen, do me a favor. Delete my Goddamned number. Quit calling me.”

“You want to come over?”

He laughed. “No! No fucking way. Ellen, do you get that I can't stand you?”

Ellen’s voice was below a whisper. “Don't say that. Please don't say that.”

He sat up straight at his desk. “No. Stop it. I'm not fucking you. You can't like me. You can't. No human being can treat me the way you've treated me and claim that you like me. No fucking way.”

“I don't like you. I like the electricity of you. You're an adrenaline rush. Do you get that?”

Mark took a sip and wet his words. “Yeah, of course I do. You're pretty electric yourself. And I'll be honest. You're the hottest woman I've ever been with. But fucking you is like wearing a tourniquet. I begin as a man and I climb off a eunuch. I can't do it anymore. I can't. I have to have pride.”

“If you wanted pride, you wouldn't have written that book.”

“Oh fuck you. I thought you claimed there was a side of you that wasn't a cunt.”

“You provoke me.”

“No Goddamned way! I don't call you. I don't text you. Hell I try not to even speak to you.”

“Oh bullshit! You knew what you were doing! I get like three mentions in the book! You made me a minor character!”

“Listen to me. You are a minor character. Don't you get that?”

“That's the meanest thing anyone's ever said to me!”

“We were only sex. That's it. You were just my favorite porn picture. Just a cold empty picture. You got me off. Okay. But there was too much friction. No guy's going for chafe. And then one day a man wants to hold a real woman and not just a Kleenex.”

“I'm not a complete bitch. You shouldn't have written me like that.”

“I knew you'd be hurt.”

Ellen interrupted, “I’m not hurt.”

“Okay. I thought you'd be hurt. I didn't know you'd be angry. Hell, I'm surprised you've read it.”

“Of course I've read it. You're not a minor character to me.”

“Okay. Stop. Really. I want you to listen to me. Please just stop and listen. Okay? All caustic bullshit aside, will you listen to me?”

“Could you just say the sentence without marquee lights?”

“I'll ignore that. Look. If I provoke you to be this person that you show me, than I can't be any character in your life. Do you get that? You don't want to be the person you are when we're together. It can't be good. I hate the man I am around you. Do you understand that? I can't be this man. I can't. I feel like I have to go to confession every time I talk to you.”

“You're such a pussy.” She laughed. “And your novel is excellent but you can't win with it. Your friends are going to be angry. And you seem like a prick. But you can't fool me. You're a pussy!”

“I'm going to hang up now.” He monotoned his voice. “You've absolutely killed any affection or respect I had for you. Don't call me again.”

“There's a reason you never get the girl.” she hissed. “You want to know? We like men. No woman wants a man with all these emotions. You're like dating another woman.” Ellen laughed. “Sure you're exciting to be around. But only because you're like a circus freak. You're a clown. Your face is all smiling but your eyes are all sad. We stay around until we figure you out. You're like this complete tragic farce.”

“Are you done?”


“Yeah you are.” He hung up his phone and finished his beer.