Tuesday, August 2, 2016

Partings


            
            After tonight's party. A list:

            1. I'm too old for a friendship with anyone under 30.

            2. I'm too old for shots. Seriously, unless they're medicinal. Hell, I'm too old for parties where the host serves shots. Unless your address is a dorm - you're too old for shots.

            3. I'm too old for plastic. Unless I'm at a picnic or a sports venue - I want glass.

            4. I'm too old to be deceived or impressed. If I don't correct you - I'm not misled; I'm polite. And frankly, if you think you can deceive someone - you're deluded. You've mistakenly believed anyone cared.

            5. I reject the plural they. It's lazy writing. Take the time to write the sentence. Parallelism in rhythm and tense must be prized. Yes it's difficult. But, it's good. Go read Maya Angelou and get back to me.

            6. I reject gender-neutral language. Gender-neutral doesn't exist. It isn't a real thing. Oh wait. Gender-neutral is a thing. If you’re a liar, you lack testicles. You’ve auctioned them for a synthetic spine.