Tuesday, May 1, 2018

Day 5: Heave Ho

Down 1.5 lbs 8.5 lbs total.

My glucose was 127 before breakfast. It's the highest it's been. I don't know why. I'll talk to the internist on Thursday at my appointment. Also I don't know how to correct the time/date on the monitor. I don't have the booklet anymore and I haven't mustered enough interest to investigate. It functions; I know what date it is.

The water thing - doesn't bother me anymore. I added a slice of lemon to kill that tap water taste. And the Hint Water is being delivered today.

I'm not hungry. The diet portion of this event doesn't bother me. It's just ONE MORE THING.

Yesterday was rough; last night was horrific. Dry heaves.

Three things motivate me to endure:

1. I hate liars. I gave my word to a doctor who's most likely forgotten me. But I gave my word. I know that; God knows that.

2. Every morning I wrap my mangled foot. I don't directly look at it, but I still mark the missings. I want to keep my leg. I will not murder this leg. And that's what it is. When I make bad health choices or coddle habits that physically harm me, I'm murdering myself. It's suicide. I can pretend it's not. But, it is. And it's just another form of chronic masturbation. It's habitually pleasuring and satiating oneself to the point of self-abuse.

And how can I bitch about healthcare costs when I am choosing to make them rise? And who's going to take care of me? Who gets the burden of my decaying? Family? A Nurse? Healthcare aids who make a bit more than minimum wage? You want to lower the cost of healthcare in America? Put down the coffee and the donuts and walk away from the wine. Or shut up about the costs.

3. I owe my parents. My foundations were perfect. A fairy tale childhood. Both my parents were thin and active. Now they're just old. I simply cannot shirk their justly due care.

I will say - I have more empathy for addicts. I'm simultaneously kicking caffeine, sugar, artificial sweeteners, dairy products, soda, meat, and deliciousness. And throw in alcohol. From the late 2000's it's been very rare that I drank less than 3-4 drinks a night. And not so much beer. Hard alcohol. And now - nothing. Zip. A huge bonus: doesn't bother me a bit. The loss of my social life will bother me. But not so much I'll alter my choices.