I’ve been thinking about secrets.
Last week I stumbled on a website that posted my paternal great grandfather Jacob B. Trost’s obituary. And so, I started to dig. I’d heard the whispers of his history: “committed suicide.” Oh, and I knew he did not raise my grandfather but I didn’t know why. My father has no memory of him. And he has no memory of his mention. Well, except “committed suicide.” My father knew so little of his grandfather, he thought his name was Jack. I was startled to read Jacob was a Methodist. More on that in a bit. The one who provided the information for this obituary also had little knowledge of Jacob’s life. He/she misspelled Jacob’s children’s names. And so many facts are missing.
So, I researched my paternal great grandmother Blanch Roland Trost. Except for the fact that her maiden name is also my middle name, my grandfather never mentioned his mother. While digging, I read she was a protestant too. My father is named for his maternal great grandmother. The oddest aspect: my grandfather misspelled his grandmother’s maiden name. How? Why didn’t he know how to spell his grandmother’s name? Now – here’s the most interesting aspect to me: my grandfather Louis and my great aunt Marguerite were devout Roman Catholics. What? How did they become Roman Catholics? Both sides of their tree were protestants.
I have no one to ask.
My grandfather spent time as a boy at Boys Town. Why? I don’t know. It was a family secret. My father doesn’t know. He never knew. He only knows my grandfather was eventually given the option of army or prison. My grandfather chose the army. Is that where my grandfather became a Roman Catholic? I don't know. I have no one to ask. How could a father have an intimate relationship with his children and never share with them the fundamental facts of his life?
Secrets.
My great aunt had two daughters while unwed. She gave them up for adoption. She then married and had four children. At an elderly age she passed away. After her death, her two legitimate daughters discovered in documents the existence of these two illegitimate sisters. One daughter told me she had no knowledge of her mother’s past. And now their surviving uncle has died too. No one to ask. How could a mother have an intimate relationship with her children and never share with them the fundamental facts of her life?
Secrets.
On Facebook I rediscovered a first cousin I’d met as a boy. We reconnected. She shared her history with me. Our mothers (sisters in-law) were very close at one time. My Mother was a new bride; my aunt was in the midst of a divorce. My cousin has no knowledge that her mother had a previous marriage. Well, I’m not going to tell her. But why didn’t her mother tell her before she died? How could a mother have an intimate relationship with her children and never share with them the fundamental facts of her life?
Secrets.
My maternal grandmother had 8 children by four different men. My grandparents divorced at the end of WW2 because my grandfather returned from the war and my grandmother was pregnant by a different soldier. An aunt (that child) never told her children the circumstances of her birth or their grandfather’s name. When she died, her obituary sited the wrong father – and misspelled my grandfather’s name. She had kept her secrets from her children. How could a mother have an intimate relationship with her children and never share with them the fundamental facts of her life?
Secrets.
So, why does any of this matter? I had a think.
Practical: How can one accurately provide a medical history when one doesn’t know it? Any genealogical map lacks veracity when landmarks are misplaced – misspelled – misrepresented – or missing.
Interpersonal: Don’t we owe our truths to those we include in our lives? We don’t ask children’s permission before we force their participation. Think of it: we’re creating human beings and historically abandoning them. I understand everyone isn't entitled to know each sin we've committed in our lives. But aren't they entitled to know the facts that directly affect them? You know, like the name of their father or whether or not they have a predisposition to breast cancer.
By God they’re not missing links. They’re facts unjustly concealed from those who've been forced to live with their artifacts.