Thursday, June 20, 2019

A Bucketload

You know I’m sprawled here watching Hulu on my iPad. I was just about to put my eye medicine in and go to sleep when I realized I wasn’t afraid of tomorrow. I don’t dread getting up in the morning. I’m not in a panic. God I’m glad I’m out of that funk. I don’t do well depressed. I know it’s odd writing this shit but it’s just what I do. Someone asked me the other day if I write because I feel no one listens to me. Well, my answer was no. I feel heard. I just feel strangely compelled to mark the moments that matter. See this exhale matters. It was a long time coming. 

I had to endure a lot of days and nights of shallow breathing. I’m not afraid to lose my foot or leg anymore. Oh it’s still a challenge. The ulcer has to close. It has to. But it will. I have a good doctor, good friends, and a bucketload of faith. I always try to find a lesson in my travails. Here’s what I’ve learned this week: fear really does render someone inert. It takes tremendous courage to walk ahead into the darkness of unknown and unable. I’ve learned love and friendship are intrinsic to faith. I learned that true support is more presence that proverbial. Sometimes sitting silently is more benevolent that offering opinions and platitudes. And I’ve learned achievement is more beneficial than acceptance. You’ve gotta fight to have a chance. I don’t know if I’ll keep this foot. But I do know I’ll keep the faith and my friends. That’s enough until I reach another blackout.

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