Wednesday, November 6, 2019

Keeping It In Existence

a velocity wave without a backspace. I sometimes wonder if everyone cares as much as i do. Because i care. And i wonder if i lack some masculine gene. And that missing makes me less a man. Because I care. I dont know. Ive always stood alongside or beside and felt like a fool because i seemed to be the only one who cared. Im older now. So i care less. No. I still care. But i care less if it makes me less a man.

last night my dear friend asked me how ive made it through this past year. I thought about her question. And i decided to unzip the truth and tell her. Aside: im going to reveal it here because i always wondered how people survived trauma. And now i know.

It’s been the most difficult summer of my life. 2 surgeries (each demanded at least 6 weeks of bedrest.) Both of my parents were hospitalized with serious illnesses. Because of the bedrest, i was unable to fulfill my obligations. Ive spent years on familial sentry. To be unable. Impotent. Without use. The stress was overwhelming. At the height of the stress - i shut down. I slept. 20-22 hours a day. Like in a medically induced coma, I emotionally, mentally, and physically shut off. It’s how I coped. I don’t really remember how long this lasted. I know my hours were unequally split: sleeping or living behind glass. Watching without experiencing. Existence without life.

Maybe this is a common reaction. I don’t know. I didn’t know.

I know.

Why write it? Some perverse need to blurt? No. I wished someone told me. I wished I had known so I could’ve avoided all the awful.

To sleep perchance to desist.

I don’t sleep like I did. But still glassy eyed. Removed. Until.

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