Thursday, March 19, 2020

Should've


I zoomed out this morning and bought the necessary items. And I mean necessary. Funny how the "list" whittles to necessities.

Each day I‘m seeing my place in this world with startling clarity. Oh that’s wrong. I see my absence in the world. I see where I should have been.

I should have been a priest. Each day I see that more clearly. And I knew it when I was 8 years old. I don’t know if I’ve ever really revealed this. But, here it is: 

I left the seminary in 1982 because I was so broken-hearted how vile it was. Traditional Roman Catholic values were repudiated. There were elements of predatory seminarians. And I was so naive. A couple of seminarians started to ”groom” me. I was not accepted by my male peers in high school so I yearned for male friendships. When two of them tried to be physical with me within weeks of each other, I packed my belongs and I left. My soul and heart were shattered. It took me 3 years to return to The Faith. A little known fact: The Vatican sent envoys to every seminary in the mid 80s to clean them out. And - not one creep I knew finished the seminary. They were all expelled before ordination. Out of the 113 of my group, 5 were ordained. If you examine the accusations and crimes of The Church most occurred before the 1980s.

Anyway. I wish I hadn’t been a coward. I wish I had had the balls to defend The Church. But I was afraid. I was a coward.

Today at my pharmacy, the tech and I (we‘ve never met) somehow started chatting about The Church. We do not belong to the same parish. We ended our conversation with promises to include each other’s families on our daily Rosary. That’s the life I love. I am a Roman Catholic. The Church is in my blood and imprinted on my heart and soul. I should have been a priest. I knew it then; I know it now.