Friday, April 10, 2020

Ashamed. Forced. Brokenhearted.

Wow today was a helluva of a day. Wasn’t it? You know from 1982 - until August 15, 2004 I didn’t shed one tear? And before 1982, I hadn’t cried since my dog died in 3rd grade? (Mutley! Hit by my school bus.) In the last three weeks, I cry everyday. Yesterday, I cried for my friend Jean. She died. Presumably from complications of Covid-19. 

Today, I went to my corner grocers. A little place. Not busy. The sumbitch has jacked his prices so most people avoid it. But, it’s Friday. We’re Roman Catholics. I needed to buy fish. I wore a mask and a winter cap.

I saw a man I knew. He’s a man with special needs. “Social distancing“ “appropriate” these are words beyond his grasp. And so I avoided him. I knew he couldn’t recognize me. So, I avoided him. I quickly did the math: i'm caregiver to two elderly parents and I’m high risk. So, I avoided him. Now. This is a man who has the kind of a job at the hospital that no one sees. I saw him. I befriended him. I've written about him. I was his friend.

And I avoided him. I returned to my car and wept. Ashamed. Forced. Brokenhearted. I felt it all.

We’re losing so much each day. Our world has changed. Our choices are limited. Our circle is tapering. Our friends are dying. And by Christ the losses make me feel sadness and lost and losing and afraid. And if you don’t feel those, dial down the anti-depressants you self-absorbed fuck.

I read Twitter today. I read it everyday. I see all the arguments to end social distancing. Fools. Goddamned fools. We can't end social distancing! God (or nature) is ending our social lives. The herd is being culled. God (or nature) is distancing you from your choices. You can’t be social with dead people. Everything is becoming more distant. Anyone with a head can see it.

And that makes me sad.

I don’t need fucking advice; I need a kleenex.

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